The Other Side's guide to becoming a lesbian, pt. 2

Remember our previous, priceless guide to becoming a dyke?
Well, ever since then our people never really did stop their research. We have spent days observing, weeks without shaving, and months eating nothing but nkha'at (sheep brain) sandwiches with extra garlic.
People of gender and no gender, here is our follow-up guide to becoming a lesbian:

1. By now, you should have slept with everyone in your lesbian social circle. Next step: drama. Oh, yeah.

2. Have you been engaging in discussions and arguments that get you nowhere? Good. Now it's time to move away from academia and focus on media. If there are any articles, books or films that make you angry (and let's face it, it does not take a lot to get you angry), lash out!!

3. Play Mafia Wars on Facebook.

4. Giggle some more.

5. Play more Mafia Wars (spend days playing it. our researchers have found that it is a crucial prerequisite, but they are still trying to find explanations).

6. Protest against anything and add it to your 'feminist' causes.

7. Join the world conference-jet-set: attend conferences on sexuality, gender and class equality, feminism, queer media forums etc... that take place in the coolest cities around the world. You might learn nothing from them, but it's a good opportunity to meet girls and fill up your chart.

8. If you are against 'white' dominance, capitalism, governments, gender 'binaries', religious indoctrination, and any kind of other dominance, then you are still in your teenage rebellious phase and got issues (that was our psychoanalytical team's conclusion). Our conclusion: don't call yourself a feminist for fear of a lawsuit from the zeitgeist 'movement' supporters, anti-globalizationists, anarchists or hippies who have embraced these causes before you.

9. If you find it all too difficult, escape. There is nothing like Mafia Wars.

Good luck.

The Other Side's guide to becoming a lesbian

After having had several discussions with people and through empirical observation, we offer you a complete beginner's guide to becoming a lesbian:

1. Come up with a cool/ghetto nickname. Let's say your name is Betty. Start telling people to call you Bex. Or Bets. Or BT. Be creative.

2. Change your name on Facebook, whether to protect your identity or just for kicks, use these examples to think of something: Stardust Fantasy, or Estrogenous Delusion, or Sugarhigh Delirium, or Phantasmagorical Orgasmatron, Phallic Renunciation, or maybe Battlestar Galactica.

3. Style tips. Can't help you here. Your fashion should shout out "I'm an emancipated woman!" loud. Note that there is a difference between an emancipated woman and an emo.

4. Embrace certain ideas, theories and discourses. Things like, why is gender so important? What is it for, apart from limiting and labeling us?
Also, engage in intellectual masturbation and discussions that will get you nowhere.

5. Giggle.

6. Watch The L-Word. Watch it alone or plan a marathon. (and always remember, you are gay, but not gay enough to watch Grey's Anatomy.)

7. Giggle.

8. Start sleeping around. We need to get that chart filled up!

9. Revolt against people who tell you who to be and what to do (example: the people writing this), because the personal is political.

I hope this helps.